Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in murderthecat's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, December 13th, 2009
10:41 am	Golly I'm such a homebody lately. For the most part at least. I've been making more music than I had been in the past few weeks, which has been exciting. Though keeping present with what I'm feeling and processing is super important right now too. Going from something very heady like music to something very heart-y like processing things can be tricky unless I'm real on it. I've come over some big bumps already, but I can still feel some occasional fears and triggers pop up that I need to deal with and not let stagnate. It's a weird period where I feel somewhat disconnected from a bigger Olympia community. I want to be doing more things things like EGYHOP, but it feels difficult because I know it would only be so short lived. And I'm dealing with other stuff. Hrmrmm. Really life is going super well overall. I think I'm doing exactly what I'm needing to be doing. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 12th, 2009
10:09 am	Room hunting in Portlandtown. And finishing up tidbits of school + graduation stuffs. Little hills of sadness starting to roll up in getting closer to the end of the month. Getting slightly more nervous about where I'm going to be living. Job stuff is not as much of a stress, though I know it will be eventually. I have a little mound of money to sit on for now. Phew. Recently I opened up a fortune cookie and there were two fortunes inside; "Your heart is pure and your mind is clear, and your soul devout." and "This year will bring you much happiness." I think Portland is going to be amazing <3. (Comment on this)
Saturday, December 5th, 2009
7:03 pm	Ok quick tidbits! !!!OH MY GOD!!! IM MOVING TO PORTLAND SOON LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL The plan is either to live on a short bus and convert it into a living space. Or to rent out a room at a home undetermined at this time. We shall see. Regardless, I am so pumped about it. Last week of school next week. I'm basically already done with finals though. 16-and-a-half years of school finished, starting from when I was 5 until now! Holy crap wow. I have to figure out some graduation paperwork and then I will be golden. Speaking of Portland, that's where I am right now! Honk. Some awfully lovely people who I've had an awfully lovely time having heart-to-hearts with. I woke up in Olympia the other day and was reminded that I would not be in Alamingo in a month. And how much I've grown and changed in that house and how much I love it. In combination with excitement for moving I'm also beginning to get sad, but that feels healthy for me right now. Of course it's sad, because Olympia is a very special place with a very special group of people residing in it. It'll be tucked proper into my heart in a filing cabinet labeled good experiences. pompompompompompompompopompompompom (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 28th, 2009
3:45 pm	It's difficult for me to place responsibility on a sole experience to make sense of certain characteristics about me and who I am today. But every so often there are pretty clear connections that I feel can be drawn to past experience and how they have affected me in the present. In this case, it's not to say that only past trauma is a primary effect. But it can certainly be a big one. I spent a lot of time at my Dad's home during thanksgiving thinking about when my parents got divorced. And all of the different aspects of that experience, and what happened to me in it's different phases. I remember finding my mom's stashes of weed. And not being familiar with weed, not knowing my mom smoked it, it made me scared, and I hid the stash. And later my mom talked to me, telling me she wasn't going to smoke it anymore. I should just flush the stash that I hid. And the months following, I had this experience over and over, finding more weed, her telling me again that she had quit. Over and over. I am now more familiar with weed and how mild of a drug it can be. But weed aside, the bigger issue was that my trust in my mom, a primary support person in my life, had deteriorated. And shortly after, my parents' got divorced for a number of other reasons on top of dishonesty. I know that my mom had her own issues that she was dealing with and that she was doing what she had to do, but it doesn't change the fact that I felt abandoned by her, and that she lied to me. I think about close relationships I've had with cis-female people in my life now, and certain issues that have specifically come up in those connections. They're not always present, and in fact, many of these issues are rare and hardly present at all. But especially in times of change, or times of transition, there are certain insecurities and fears and come up that I rarely see in myself. I have had fear of needing more support than usual, and of being in distress. I get so scared and apologetic to ask for that kind of support. Partly because of issues I've had with taking up emotional space. But now I'm thinking that a part of that may also realte with fear of being abandoned. I have noticed that I will sometimes deal with emotional changes and times where I'm especially in need by instead shutting myself off and removing myself, in times where I may need support the very most. It's like my heart suffered abandonment once, and now it tries to get control of the situation by instead removing myself completely to even avoid the possibility of going through that trauma ever again. In general, I don't consider myself a very jealous person. It just doesn't come up for me, and I really like having polyamorous connections in my life. But especially when I start having some of these issues come up when things start changing, during big transitions, I notice that I start feeling jealous. Stemming from an insecurity and fear of being abandoned and left behind. Of course this isn't to say that my parents' divorce is the sole reason these things pop up. But I think about that divorce -feeling abandoned, moving to a new home and being emotionally run over- and how I've felt now in moving and shifting communities; scared of asserting myself, asking for support, and fear of being abandoned. It's too coincidental. I think it's pretty safe to say that how I've been feeling is more than just an odd similarity to the past. It's fucking triggering is what it is. My body is trying to protect me. From a trauma that, of course, is hardly a reality now. It's a defense mechanism. And it is not serving me anymore. I am so far away from when I was 14, and it is so far behind me. I don't have to be there anymore. And I'm trying to tell my body that I don't need that shield anymore. I am so okay right now. I am so safe here. Do you hear me, heart? You don't have to be afraid now. There are people all around us that care [so] much about us, and they are not going anywhere. They love you. We have to let go of what we no longer need. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 26th, 2009
3:32 pm	Parents and thanksgiving. It is usually one of the times of the year that I especially wish I owned a car so I wouldn't feel like I'm stuck here for longer than I want to be. It's good to see some of my biological family every so often. But almost immediately I feel like I get sucked back into modes of behavior and feelings from when I lived in Centralia. Bottling up. Trying to not be helpless to it, but it can be hard. Lots of small talk and interactions that barely scratch the surface of where we are at emotionally, how we are doing, what our hearts look like. I'm noticing moments where I feel angry at my Dad because of hearing his talks about school politics or his relationship with Alyson. And how he'll talk about people in belittling ways. I get annoyed with hearing my Dad talk and I know it's because I have issues with him that I still need to address and need my own space to talk about. Past issues that never got resolved. But finding the courage to do so has been difficult. I'm thinking I need to write him a letter about it. After the holidays and after I move to Portland and can get more distance from him and am more on my own. (Comment on this)
Thursday, November 19th, 2009
12:21 pm	I am so checked-out of school. I'm finishing it up, but I'm just slogging through it and being bored with it. Blaaah blaaah boring. yawntown. I have a job interview in portland this saturday for Jackpot recording studio. I'm still on the fence as to whether or not I feel like I want to jump right from doing audio production in school to doing audio production for money. Because I'm also feeling really excited about working as little as possible right now and just getting to Portland and making music, having friend-connecting time, shaping + solidifying a sense of community. But who knows, this job might be totally off the hook and awesome and I might be into it. We'll just have to see. I think this weekend is going to be amazing! I'm playing at Genderjam/LaDIY fest in Oly and I just heard I have a 20-minute set time. Time to cram as much as possible into as little as possible! Wuwuuu! Dropping off master CD's to shawn in portland and then going around with D-yellers to zine spaces + libraries and dropping off new copies of my zine! Sugar + Heartstrings v.3! I am in pumpedville. Taking a train back to Oly on Saturday <3. Having dinner with my friend Kai on Sunday <3. Uhuhuhuhhhuhh he is such a sweetie. And pretty sooper cute wuwuwuwuwuw. Kind of crushing? Though that is a common feeling with many people I think are really awesome. I really like having admiration + appreciation + affection for sweet friends <3. Now to avoid the flu to ensure that I can do these plans without pooping my pants/barfing/collapsing. Wuh woh. Immune system you are great! honk honk duhduhduhudhuhdhdhdudhduhduhd (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 11th, 2009
1:11 pm	good proper cry sessions. Uhhhuhuhuhuhhh I felt so due for some emotional breaking-down. It's not a bad thing. It can be so useful for getting over bumps and putting them behind me that otherwise just circle around my heart. Turning rainclouds into water under bridges so I can get over it. And continue extending myself and putting my heart out into the world. Always opening up for heart connection. Shaping new community and what I want that to look like. I'm a spider and a bird just flew through my web. And I was grieving some. But I have to keep putting it back together. Bit by bit by bit silk silk silk webby webby friend web <3 (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009
11:07 am	Mooopooopooomoooopoompooopopoopopoppooopopppoopoppoopoopopoppopop. I am trucking along at reasonable pace <3. Some good processy time and some nice connecting times with a number of lovely friends. Remembering to not completely check-out of Olympia because I'm leaving in a couple months and to embrace + enjoy the chunk of time I have left here. Even though it is impermanent(as most things in life). My social energy had been pretty tapered-off for the past month and I think it might be a healthy thing for me to reverse that, if I have the energy for it right now. Of course it's okay to feel the things I have been feeling. Everythings a little shaky right now and I just have to freakin' roll with it hawhawhawhawhawhawhawhawhaw. But it's important to listen to my heart-muscle and guide myself towards things that be helpful or healthy for me right now. Momomowomwomwoowowowowm. Oh my birthday! Yes oh my birthday is coming up! Holy cow my birthday hoohoohoohoo. I will be 2222 2 2 2 2 2 2222 2 2 2 22 years old. Things I have learned this year: - better self-confidence - better assertiveness of my heartstrings - all-around better communication (teaching, listening, non-violent communication) - how to more quickly get to the core of issues - extending myself to people + not being afraid of vulnerability (traveling) - more awareness of class + race + gender dynamics I don't want to remember anything I've ever done or know anything that I will ever do. I want pure action right now all the time. Honky honky xoxo a (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, October 25th, 2009
3:42 pm	It's becoming clearer to me how challenging the past month and a half has been, in ways that are new and unfamiliar to me. Which I think is a big reason why I've been having a lot of issues come up that don't usually for me. New experiences and new challenges <3 lots and lots of growing experiences. I've been feeling super ungrounded in Olympia and in a transition of being on my way out, though I'm still here in somewhat of a limbo for another couple of months. It's been hard, because I feel stuck for the time being, and while I love Olympia and my community here, I'm just wanting to get this change over with. I think my body's first mechanism to cope with that situation was to start working [a ton] on creative projects. Which is awesome in some ways; I'm almost done with another zine and another album and have been working on a lot of new music. But I feel like those activities can be [really] heady and don't help me process the immediate situations in my life and whats going on with me *right now*. I think the way that I have been spending time with myself hasn't been the healthiest for me emotionally, and I feel like I need to start working on spending time to intentionally process my feelings as i feel them, and work through this bumpy time. Rather than fill my life with activities that avoid my current issues + feelings. heart muscles don't flex themselves, you gotta work at it <3. I'm usually pretty on top of it as far as being able to take care of myself and process things + work through a lot of my feelings on my own. But this month has been [really] hard, and I think I'm just dealing with things I've never had to deal with in this context before. I've been a confused pillar of amina with lots of wobbling all over :P. Things I can work on being on top of: -Communicating [everything] i feel and being totally unafraid of being in a fragile or vulnerable place. -Remembering that it is also okay to not always immediately know what I'm feeling, and simply communicating "i don't know" for the time being is just as valid and important. -Going on walks, writing in journals, sitting and doing nothing for bits of time. Spending heart-to-heart time with myself. -Being close to friends and processing with friends, while still working on processing on my own. I know that this has been rough at times. But it's not all bad right now, and I can feel myself getting through it. It's felt [so] good to sort through my feelings and pin-point exactly whats going on in me. Just keep holding on <3. <3 A (Comment on this)
Monday, October 19th, 2009
10:32 am	Getting out of Olympia last weekend was super good for me. It feels good for me to step outside of friend-circles/community bubbles that I'm a part of to get a bigger perception of myself and the circles I'm enveloped in. I hadn't been doing that as much lately, and I felt like I had been getting somewhat stagnant and stir-crazy in Olympia. I love the town + house I live in. But some amount of fluidity and adventuring feels good. A common theme for me in the past couple of years. Olympia will no longer be my nesting point in just a couple of months now. I'm excited about it. I can feel myself loosening my commitment and involvement to certain things in my home + school. Kinda shaky. But it's going okay. I realize that I've been feeling insecure about some home stuffs lately. Mainly around figuring out new people moving in(people who might have noise concerns with living right next to me). I know that my time at Alamingo is getting shorter, and so finding an ideal roommate is less of a priority for me + I want my other roomie friends to find someone that works best for them. But I feel like it's important for me to have a space that I can be fairly noisey in. I wouldn't want someone living right next to me to have an issue with the amount of noise I make, and I also wouldn't want my last couple of months at Alamingo to feel like I'm super restricted in the things that I can do or in the needs I have around making music + art. Because I know that it'd only be temporary and not a permanent change in my freedom to make loud bassy noises. But it'd be nice if it's possible to find some middle-ground that works for everyone and doesn't run anyone over. I'm worried about coming off as sounding uber selfish + I don't want to completely block the idea of letting someone move in that everyone else in the house is excited about. But at the same time I don't want to get my needs run over for the last two months I'm at Alamingo. I don't want to leave that lovely place with a bitter taste on my tongue. Because I love it a lot and it's a super meaningful location to me <3. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, October 6th, 2009
5:02 pm	Putt putt putt-ing a long. Not completely checked-out of school, but not a complete submersion into it as I know this is going to be my last quarter. But aside from that and occasionally feeling slightly more irritable than usual(and remembering to let myself feel that and not just bottle it up or pretend it's not there), most of the past few days has been occupied by my teeth. I have rarely ever had any painful problems with my teeth in my life, but this last Saturday a tooth with a cavity that is yet to be filled (tomorrow) started aching and hurting. Not super badly, but enough to make me get super hypochondriac-core and have it occupy my mind all day. As well as get some gum-numbing gel to rub on mah tooth and take ibuprofen and aspirin :P hoioi. The pain went away, but it's weird that all of a sudden all these things came up with my teeth. My mind was mainly in body-care mode for most of the weekend, but I'm coming back out of it now <3. I'll be glad to have all my cavities filled, hawhaw <3. Dentalparty. I'm wondering if a part of why I've been feeling more irritable, less energetic + less excited pumped happytimes is because I haven't been getting out of Olympia as much or out of my comfort bubble of being around the same people that I do so regularly. I want to be careful to think about my irritated feelings closely and not just get out of town to avoid confronting something that might be an issue. I feel weird when I get irritated by things that I usually don't feel irritated by, such as things that certain people say or do, especially friends. I care about having good loving relationships and sometimes the best way for me to keep a good connection is to give myself space when I'm feeling like connecting times might not be happening at that point in time. Some breathing space to connect to other people and myself and then come back to other people in my life with a different mindset or emotional clarity. Blah grumpy body. Hrmrmrmrmrmrmrm (Comment on this)
Monday, September 28th, 2009
6:17 pm	Since I've gotten home from medgefest I've been in a mode of operation where I feel like I have a hard time being silly or joke-town in the things I say and the interactions I've had and instead just want to cut to the point with everything I'm saying and focus on having clear communication and intention behind things I say. Which I think is an important thing for me right now. I realize that there have been instances lately, for one reason or another, I've felt more irritable or grumpy and that I hadn't been letting myself feel that as much as I should, and not validating my irritated feelings. Something that's often tied into my self-confidence; avoiding confrontation and anger and bottling it up. Which never actually ends up doing any good or causing any less of those feelings, but rather perpetuating them. So I think in the interest of getting through those bumpy feelings; I'm feeling like I want to listen real close to my heart and be really unafraid and honest and not discredit the things I feel. And I think to do that I sometimes have to turn off some of the silly and the outward-loving sweet energy. Even though it is so much of who I am and a characteristic I care a lot about. But sometimes it's necessary to do in taking care of myself and making my emotional core self a bit more solid again and be on top of the self-confidence ball. honk <3 Hoioi September is WEIRD LOLOL GOLLY. I think this has been the 2nd or 3rd september in a row that, for some reason, has been emotionally really transitional and shaky and like I have really large shifts in how I function. I have the ability to be: -honest -direct -able to listen to myself and others -compassionate + loving -accessible to friends/others -silly goofytimes Doiiiiiiiiiiiiiifhfhfhh (Comment on this)
Monday, September 21st, 2009
11:04 pm	Good talks with friends. Alllllways learning and growing and finding out more about myself. Taking time to think about things and level myself and gripping back onto the reigns of taking care of myself and remembering the things that I can do for myself to be happy. Things I don't necessarily need to get through other people. There are moments every so often where I'm still surprised with how efficient my body is. Holy cow what a machine. Often it's useful. But every so often it can stir up some unhealthy, unsustainable things where I have to back up and be like "woah woah holllld up this is a bad idea." Sugar is a good example in many ways; all that energy cooped up into such a small amount of mass. I've been known to go through phases where my body is non-stop sugar fiending, but what isn't taken into account so immediately is the crashes and the nutritionally-unsustainable nature of something like sugar. It's easy energy, and I've concluded that thanks to the wonder of an evolutionary process known as !!!natural selection!!!, my body is pretty hard-set on efficiency and the easiest route. I can completely understand why in a survival sense. Why would you want to eat that pile of green leafy stuffs with nutrition when you could just eat hellza sugar and bounce off the walls dood? But it doesn't always last long term, and in the end, isn't as healthy or satisfying. Since being back from Burning Man I found myself spending more time with a close friend and, without noticing right away, finding myself so comfortable and used to processing, connecting and being around them that I felt like I emotionally started relying on them for things that I typically provide myself. My body is like "wtf, this person is totally off-da-hook and is awesome and showers you with mad love. and what the hay, you're around them so much, why would you need to work on supplying yourself with your own love and support?" Efficiency, yes. But definitely not healthy. And not actually working on my own issues and instead relying on another. It's such a confusing and ironic thing to be feeling super comfortable and connected with someone, and suddenly for that relationship to turn into an addiction or reliance where my body starts depending on this person to support me heavily with my issues. In this case, my self-confidence is a big one. Something I've been working real hard at, and learning to give myself for a long time now. It was embarrassing and also totally scary to suddenly have this moment where I realized the dependency I was feeling. And have a moment of helplessness against my own issues because of how heavily I had been relying on someone else to support me with them. All these years of work and processing; evaporated out of thin air. Luckily only for a brief moment in time. One thing I am thankful for; I caught these feelings of dependency really, really early. Which I will totes grin and pat myself on the back for. Because from my experience, dependency can quickly turn into a muddy, murky, complicated storm of hurt very quickly unless it's dealt with pronto. I haven't had issues with dependency for years. Since the first long-term close relationship I was in. And I'm still not really sure why this dependency issue suddenly creeped up out of the blue. Maybe I was still feeling roughed up from tour + burning man and wasn't on top of my A-game. Maybe I was stressed in figuring out logistics of school + moving to Portland and had to process more than usual. Maybe it's simply that I've been in only a couple of relationships/friendships/connections/whatevers that have involved frequently spending time together, and I'm just figuring out how to do that without losing my ability to take care of myself. Either way, I think the first step for me was to talk about it with this person(check) and then take a minute to re-muster up my ability to supply the many awesome things I can for myself(check). By the way; don't get me wrong, I [love love love LUUUV <3] connecting and spending time with this person. Like wwowowowooww holy crap-o. And in the interest of continuing the healthy + awesome streak of our friendship/sweetiedom, I don't want to hang out with them if I'm going to start depending on them so hard that I lose all self-confidence and ability to take care of myself every time I see them. Our dynamic is such that we're both such strong independent buddies that connect and care about each other, but still have our own adventures and our own lives. I'm still afraid that when I see this person next that those same feelings of dependency will come back. But I think that I've been chipping away pretty well at where this issue came from, and I don't think it will spring up as strongly next time, if at all. But if the case arises that the feeling does come back in force, I know I'll have to take care of it the best that I can, whatever that might end up entailing. And while that might be hard, I think that with enough time and communication, I have faith that both parties involved would understand. Let's not jump the gun, though. I'll just have to gauge how I feel next time I see them. If you want to see the bird sing then it has to go free <3 <3 <3 (Comment on this)
Monday, September 14th, 2009
1:25 am	Huhhhh transition. It's silly how all it takes sometimes is just a bit of transitional times to make me feel crazy and like I'm suddenly acting in all these ways that aren't like myself while in a level-headed place. Another person of super sweetie + emotionally awesomeville also moving to Portland. I really value the fluidity coupled with amazing support shared with this person. And suddenly amidst figuring out changes and moving plans I felt a wave of transition-related anxiousness over hearing that this person was moving sooner than expected. Which I wasn't really expecting to feel. It made me realize that I have been connecting with this person on a pretty intense, more than usual basis lately and have been getting a lot of support from them. And I felt like in hearing about them moving, it triggered something in my body that made me feel worried about that support changing, and also made me realize that I have been relying on + placing an amount of expectation on that person that was not typical. Which upon realizing, I felt embarrassed by. Because while [loving] to connect to this person and talk with them and process things, it's also of utmost importance to me that we feel like strong pillars of individual awesomeness and have our own lives (a dynamic I greatly appreciate about our connection). It was weird how it just snuck up without me being immediately aware of it. I feel like in getting back to Olympia and figuring out school + beginning the quest for Portlandia I started leaning a little more support-wise onto this other person. Which, granted, I think that of course we all go through hard times and sometimes need to do that. And that is why we are community and friends and care about each other and why I love you all <3. But I think that communicating about when a more intense amount of support is needed is [important] so that people know whats going on. Rather than suddenly being asked for a lot more emotionally than usual and being like "uhhh what just happened?". I'm doing really well, and in a lot of ways I feel like I've suddenly gotten over so much fear I had around moving and feel totally ready. I just have a lot on my plate right now to work out logistically and some stuff to process. I'm working through it <3. (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 10th, 2009
1:45 pm	It feels [sooper] good to be settled back at home. After a few weeks touring, and one more at Burning Man being super rowdy and walking around with a megaphone practically all week. Many good times, and a bunch of sweet connecting times with new friends as well as friends that I usually only see for brief moments but for extended hangout at Burning Man. I was definitely lower energy from tour through most of Burning man, but I got to this point where I felt like I was just rolling with it. I didn't always the most energy to connect to new people, but just enough to be a goofball all week, hawhaw. That's just what had to happen, so I made the best of it <3. Last quarter at school hohohohohoooo. Figuring out school logistics, as well as a resume to send out to place in Portland. I've come to the conclusion that the first thing I need to look for in Portland is a job or some way of sustaining myself financially. I can have an okay-ish job and a shitty living situation, which I can then change after moving down. But much harder to have an awesome living situation and no job to pay for it. So I'm trying to find some [halfway] decent place to work. Here we go job searching lolol <3. Wowow, upon figuring out plans and putting together the pieces I'll be needing to move to Portland, a [huge] chunk of the anxiety and stress I was feeling in moving has felt so much lighter. I am hella strong look at deez biceps OOOOOOOOOOOH. Emotional 6-pack oompf <3 (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 25th, 2009
2:59 pm	Getting ready for Burning Man. Surprisingly, other than a few specific items, it wasn't that difficult, as most of my long-distance traveling supplies had all been put together from tour. Hoof grounding. I'm excited to be home and re-connecting with sweet friends and settle back in to home, though it's rough because I know I'm going to be leaving again for another week-long adventure in a few days. Hoioi. I think I'll enjoy it once I start, but I'm feeling like I may have overloaded myself by just a little bit this summer as far as long-distance, long-term adventures go. Lots of good experiences and lessons, though I feel like before I even have time to settle in and process one adventure, I'm already off to the next. I suppose there'll be time when I get back home. But I can feel it being a little bit of a stretch on me. People moving in, people moving out. Riley and Alexis are both moving in this month <3 wuwuwuwuu. I have very good feelings about it and how the dynamics of our house will change and transform. More to be worked out and established after this one last silly + ridiculous summer adventure. Hoobluhuhababbgbgbgbgballala hahahahaha. PARTY ALL THE TIME HONK HONK (Comment on this)
Sunday, August 23rd, 2009
8:17 am	Home from tour. Owww my body. i think the 16-hour car drive from Minneapolis to Missoula was what stretched myself too far physically. Achey muscles and borderline sore throat, hoiiioio. I think that in combination with feeling scrambley and in the process of grounding myself to the Olympia parts again has made me feel off for the past few days I've been back. I'm doing it, but I think it'll just take some time to re-coop. Which is ironic, because then I'll immediately just head south for burning man :P bluhffff. A lot more adventures to be described after my body has more break time <3 mowf (Comment on this)
Thursday, August 6th, 2009
1:41 pm	After 3 days of intense car driving, Justin and I are taking a break in chicago visiting with Ray + Luca + Ray's brother Seth. Wuwuuuu <3 it's been super nice. I'm taking a wee break in their house after having some not-so-fun intestinal cramping this morning :-\. Hrmmmm. PS to anyone reading this: Have you ever had something like irritable bowel syndrome? Or(doesn't seem likely) Crohn's Disease? What does it feel like? Oioioi, sometimes I'm a little bit of a hypochondriac. Not all the time, though. It's just scary to not know what's going on with my body at times. It's crazy how immediate physical pain is. Anything that I'm processing emotionally, any outside interaction, I suddenly lose energy for to focus on the pain. Not really the most ideal for travelling :P but if it happens, the best I can do is take care of it. Bluuuah. I had some worries before I left home about taking care of my body on tour. I'm going to be fine, and it seems like it's not too difficult. Though I'm a little distracted by my colon right now and the pains I've occasionally felt for the past years. I think I want to get a check-up when I get back to Oly + hope that it does okay for the rest of tour + Burning Man?? Hrmrmrmm. Body buddy <3. Really, it isn't that bad, it was just a couple of crampiness feelings. But it's just concerning :p Aside from that, I'm [super] excited about the rest of traveling <3. Driving makes me feel like a zombie. Staying in other peoples homes is a super good experience, a healthy practice in extending myself and being very open and outgoing. This feels like a very healthy thing for me right now. I might even meet up with friendy-folk on the east coast! Hohohohooo. honk <3. Uhhh there could be more maybe, though I think I'm done for now. dodododddaahhh. Yr magical <3 xoxox A (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, July 28th, 2009
8:30 pm	Last week before leaving on tour! Wowoww! I am so [pumped] + [excited]. Kinda nervous, but I think I can get myself plenty prepared before I go. I want to put myself in a good mindset before traveling for 2.5 weeks. So! The things to stock up on emotionally before I go: -Lots of happy + loving + social outgoing energy -Fearlessness for being honest + vulnerable -Openness to new experiences + new people -Clear + direction communication with travel stuffs (is it okay if we sleep here?) -Flexibility for plans to change (Maybe the car breaks down in North Dakota? Another adventure wuwuuu!) I'm wondering how worn out I'm going to be when I get back. Hoofofof. I hope I'll be in shape for Burning Man. I have a feeling I will be, a week is a good chunk of time to rest up. But I still have to plan so much for it + don't really have time right now as I'm dong tour stuffs. I'll scramble real hard when I get back in mid august and I'm sure I'll figure it out. Hooah! Honkin's <3. DODNODNodnondoNDOjdKDokdokdojDOjdowddonkdonokdondondkodadohdoahohiwiwiweeueuuueeedhhdhdhdd8*************(((((*&(&(&(*&#&#$&$&&$$$$$$$$$$$9399999999999982823847477474747474747747474747747477474747474747477474747474DUDE 945939y39y593y95y39y935y59y3jdjdalhfhlahflahfkshdkjflahflhalhalhalhalhalhalhalhalhalhalhalhalhskskkskskskskskksyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy <3 (Comment on this)
Friday, July 17th, 2009
2:00 am	lowwwww dee dowwwwowowowww. Oh this week has been super nice in Olympia. Seeing my friends on their birfdays and watching Harry Potter in a theater full of cute high-school-ish age dorky kids. And tonight having an amazing secret cafe for Use Yr Words Arts Collective!! Wuwuwuwwuuwuuuuu! It feels super good to put together fun things with my dear friends and hanging out with them all day <3. A lot of summer/weekend plans ahead of me still, though. I can see all these plans and events in my life getting closer. Most of them I'm not too worried about. Small adventures are awesome. Tour will be exciting + a new adventure and lots and lots of music blastin' funtimes <3. Burning Man will also be exciting and fun times with my friends and new Moonrocky faces in a desert. And then after that I finish up the last 8 credits I have of school. And then after that I move to Portland! Oof. Admittedly I'm feeling really scared by the last plan. Simply because of the number of things there are to figure out in uplifting my Olympia roots. Money + Houses + Whether or not the cats at the Alamingo will have a solid caretaker when I leave (It's one thing to just up and leave somewhere, but it's another when living with animals that rely on you for care). I'm scared that Alamingo and Olympia will no longer feel like home when I come back and visit. And of the transition of getting grounded and rooted to a community in Portland, and that I won't have the self-confidence or ability to do so. I'm scared of not having a place to feel completely safe and comfortable to call home. I've been talking about moving to Portland for months, and I first thought I'd move sooner, but changed my moving plans to later. Understandably, though, as I think there really are a few things in Olympia I really do need to finish and tie up before I go. But occasionally I feel like I'm just standing at the plank but I manage to keep making it a little bit longer. A little bit longer. Just a wee bit longer. Because I'm feeling scared. I think there are things I can and should do before leaving Olympia. But in the end I don't know if I'm ever going to be completely ready, and maybe that's what I need to get over. I'm not going to know how deep the water is until I jump into it. I know I'm going to learn [so] much, and in my heart this really feels like what I'm desiring. Adventure and figuring out the unknown. But it's going to shake my world up a lot. WOWOWOW moving is such a big deal for me, hahaha. I'm like JEEZUS. It's like sometimes I think I've processed everything I need to about home and place and the transition of moving, and then as it gets closer to fall I have to do it over again. I appreciate my friends so much. I love you all so much <3 and having you in my life as I transition down to a new habitat is [very] meaningful to me, and your support helps me ease into that transition more smoothly. (3 Comments |Comment on this)